break · my · throne

This is the end of my LiveJournal.

There are no more entries for the world go back and read- every single one has been MANUALLY (and oh my god was it a long and painstaking process) set to "Private."

This has been a place of ugliness, a place of confusion, anger, and negativity, but most of all, it has been a place of self-discovery and of growth. I am so very glad that I had this journal, and that I had you guys here to read what I needed to be read, because whether or not I felt I needed anything of the sort at the time, that is really what this whole thing has been about.

I needed people to read these things.

I needed you to get angry or upset with me, or to feel sorry for me, or to grow to love me, or to be impressed by everything I figured out, or to get hurt by my words, or to be made happy by my growths and experiences, or to grateful for my gross-outs and silly games and allegories, or to grow to hate me, or even become infatuated with me, or to be glad or even to be furious to have read what you did about whatever it was I was thinking about you at the time that I was writing it.

I needed you to get to know me better, so I could get to know ME better as well.

I would like to think that I have grown away from needing those things, but I have a feeling that it's only a matter of time before that's going to prove to be a false assumption.

But I HAVE grown away from this method of getting myself across.

Here are some big things that I would like to address before I go:

• The people I have gotten angry with and villainized here, are not right now, and never were, deserving of the public grudges and growlings that I subjected them to in this thing. Maggie, Bobby, and most of all, Pat, are some of the greatest people I have ever encountered, and it was very, very wrong of me to portray them in such a negative light while ignoring the fact that everything I accused them of doing to me was something that I was afraid to admit that I was doing to them. They were good and patient friends, and I would like to thank them and apologize for my wrongly placed anger.

• I have grown so much because of this thing. If I did not have a way of venting and expressing my greatest fears and most disgusting hurts, then I would still be suffering from them today. I have grown up, you guys, and I have grown up in a good way. :-D My depression is "gone" in the sense that it is no longer a significant problem that I have got to deal with on a regular basis. I have been going to college and being productive and having the goshdang TIME OF MY LIFE ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I HAVE BEEN RUNNING AROUND DANCING NAKED IN THE STREETS. :-D

• I no longer depend on any other beings but myself. For the first time in my life, I am in love with someone (someone who currently doesn't even love me back for god's sake) without feeling the need to give into any sort of blindness or co-dependancy or fears of losing their attention. I have found that I can love and even need someone without having to give any bit of myself away. :-D

• I am extremely calm, reasonably reasonable, and gorgeously happy. I can realize things and sing lovesongs and write things and think thoughts and dream dreams that I haven't been able to get a hold of since I was a little girl. Life is all of a sudden a really big and exciting playground, you guys!!!! IT REALLY IS OMG I'M HELLA SERIOUS!! XD And I'm playing the greatest games ever aaalllll recess long! :-D

ALL OF YOU CAN PLEEEAAASSEEE KEEP IN CONTACT WITH ME. I AM NOT SAYING GOODBYE TO YOU, JUST THIS JOURNAL AND THIS PERIOD IN MY LIFE!!!! GO AHEAD AND WRITE ME AT plasticswords@comcast.net AND GIVE ME A CALL AT 694-9406, OKAY? I AM NOT GOING AWAY FROM YOU GUYS. I AM ALWAYS GOING TO LOVE YOU AND BE YOUR GOOD LAURELY FRIEND. :-D

Here's something from Hedwig and the Angry Inch for those of you that are good at interpreting poetry but not good at reading long-winded goodbyes:

Forgive me, for I did not know.
For I was just a boy, and you
were so much more
than any god could ever plan,
more than a woman or a man.
And now I understand how much I took from you:
That, when everything starts breaking down,
you'd take the pieces off the ground
and show this wicked town
something beautiful and new.
You think that "luck" has left you there,
but maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air?
And that there's no mystical design,
no cosmic lover pre-assigned?
That there's nothing you can find that can not be found?
Because with all the changes you've been through,
it seems the stranger's always you;
alone again in some new
wicked little town?
So when you've got no other choice,
you know you can follow my voice
through the dark turns and noise
of this wicked little town.
Oh, it's a wicked
little town.
Goodbye, wicked
little town.

I love you all for all of your gorgeous lurverliness and your greatly grooviful support. You are the greatest friends any girl could ever ask for. So please don't say goodbye right now, just say "WHEN ARE WE GONNA HANG OUT NEXT TIME, LAUREL-GIRL?". :-D